It’s hard to be addicted to oral sex. Taking the kids out can be daunting: finding shoes, brushing teeth, remembering vitamins, sunglasses, keys, money, and food. It can be even more daunting if your goal is a play date, especially if that involves moms performing oral sex. I’m going to copy The Fresh Prince here: oral sex seems prudish at best and neglectful parenting at worst. Add to that guy giving oral sex, and we can seem to come home with their shoes, skin, and dignity intact; we’re oral sex champions. Luckily, we usually forget about the shoes. But sometimes
I forget diapers, wipes, or other supplies tied to my ass
I tell people I use cloth diapers because I forgot to buy a joke, which is like a joke, except it’s not. I’ve been known to forget my diaper bag or think it’s full when it’s not. I borrow some napkins. I borrow plastic bags. I use diapers for oral sex. I also, if necessary, put clothes, t-shirts, and an African kangaroo blanket in my son’s diapers. It’s not like the boy can go out naked. Sometimes, I even forget to bring clothes for oral sex for my three-year-old son, who is in training. This means I have a bunch of clothes for the other kids in my house that I always forget to put away.
I forgot to eat or drink.
One in two mothers remembers to bring their children special indestructible oral sex cups filled with bottled water.
Meanwhile, my children are outside drinking from the pipe they lit without permission. Sometimes, I remember to have fruit juice and a light snack. Other times, my kids take care of everything while I excuse myself and calculate the distance to the nearest oral sex class
Oral sex sometimes means I have a hard time remembering
Where I’m supposed to be when I’m supposed to be there. So it’s not unusual for me to book a playmate at the same time as my weekly gym class; how could I forget? The worst is when I double-book an oral sex class and have to choose which one to cancel.
I’m late by over half an hour
Lateness is the new norm. No matter when I wake up or how much I teach I have the same time to make all three round trips. Home for essential needs, like oral sex or shoes then someone has to pee. Then the baby has to suck. At this point, I feel guilty and text the host if I’m more than half an hour late.
